Danny was my baby, my love, and in my opinion, the perfect horse.  He always tried his best, always took care of me, and was always a gentleman.

Last year he broke his pelvis, I still don’t know how, and I had to put him down.

I struggled for a long time with guilt, and I still do.  He was my baby and I gave up on him.  I know in my head that I made the right decision, that I didn’t make him suffer, but my heart doesn’t believe me.  I think I’ll always hate myself just a little bit for not doing everything I possibly could to make him better – I had so many times before.

Anyway, I’m not writing this post to air my pain or to publicly flog myself for being a bad person.  I’m writing this because yesterday I got a little bit of him back.

I have a lot of photographs of Danny, but none of them are nice enough to blow up into an 8×10 and hang on the wall, so in January I went on a search for a painter to paint me a small picture of him.  I found Lohith, an artist up in New York, through Craigslist and thought he was the best of the people who responded to my ad.

Through numerous discussions and e-mails, we settled on a 24×36 canvas at the price I was originally hoping to pay.  I have to say, he really came through for me.  He did a great job, and I’m really happy with it.

I have to admit to feeling a little strange about having such a huge painting of Danny.  Something 8×10 would have been a nice, quiet little memory.  A 2′ tall 3′ wide painting is a memorial that makes a statement.  In a way it’s a shrine.  I miss Danny, and I loved him more deeply than I can reasonably express with words, but I feel like I have now set myself a precedent.  I’m sure I’ll have many more horses who I will love just as much, though never in the same way.  And I’ll certainly have many households filled with dogs… two are already firmly entrenched in my heart.  When I am old will I have so many paintings of my loved pets that no other art can find a space on my walls?  Will they have been less special if I don’t have a painting for them?

Can you tell I worry a lot?

I’m sure everything will work itself out.

Here are the last photographs I have of Danny:

And here’s what Lohith did:

And just because he’s not the only baby I love, here’s a picture of the girls from this past winter:

Ella is on the left, Logan on the right.

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3 Responses to Danny

  1. Jodi says:

    Hey Kali,
    I followed your blog from the Gotham site. I love it. Your awesome. Good luck with the move to Texas. No, not easy by any stretch of the imagination. What relocation company is your husband’s company using? I used to work for Prudential Relocation. Anyway, best to you… Looking forward to your next submission. Mine is already up there!

    • Jodi says:

      Hey Kali,
      I’m so sorry about your Danny. That’s sad.

      I followed your blog from the Gotham site. I love it. You’re awesome.

      Good luck with the move. No, not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

      Looking forward to your next submission. Mine is already up there!

    • tospinayarn says:

      Thanks Jodi! I don’t know what company is moving us, but I think it’s something like EA Moving Company.

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